This just in:
On the final day of its current session, in what amounts to one of its most unexpected rulings in quite some time, the U.S. Supreme Court has struck a serious blow against traditional marriage laws by overturning a lower circuit court’s decision that effectively annulled the marriage between a Butte, Montana man and his AK-47, opening the door to virtually all ammosexual marriage throughout the United States. In the 7-2 ruling, Chief Justice John Roberts’ strongly worded majority opinion stated that the freedoms enshrined in this nation’s prime birth document “don’t discriminate or haphazardly select preferred members of our society simply based on one’s gender, religion, ethnicity or magazine size. It is the right of all Americans, and their fire power, to exercise free association or enter into legal contracts as they see fit, even if in their inanimate state, they have no sentience with which to comprehend any such contract.”
Justice Antonin Scalia, in a blistering dissent, exclaimed that male-to-automatic weapon, female-to-shotgun or homosexual-to-rifle weddings would make a mockery of traditional marriage and the legal precedents that have been enshrined in Judeo-Christian practices for centuries. In a concurring statement, Associate Justice Clarence Thomas wrote, "What he said!"
As a result of the high court's ruling, laws in forty-six states, the District of Columbia, and Puerto Rico that expressly forbid citizens from joining their weaponry in holy matrimony will be eliminated from the books. In an improvised press conference on the courthouse steps immediately after the ruling, Mr. Wilber Snuffbottom, the man who's legal appeal to wed his firearm ultimately reached the Supreme Court after winding its way for two years in the lower courts, was quoted as saying, "Finally, we have justice in this country, where God, guns and glory can truly live together, happily ever after."
Republicans in Congress, led by Senator Ted Cruz from Texas, have vowed to introduce a bill to amend the Constitution that would overturn today's Supreme Court ruling. When asked about the specific wording of the amendment, Senator Cruz, on his way into the Senate chamber, stated that "America's obsession with its guns has got to …," at which point the Senator stopped in mid-sentence and re-started his statement. "Traditional marriage is a sanctified institution in this country and guns should not be a part… " at which point the Senator stopped speaking again. After a long pause, Senator Cruz finally grumbled as he walked away from the reporters standing nearby, that he would issue a press release the following morning.