This is a slightly edited repost of a diary I posted a few years back - The comments in the previous diary are worth going back to read. Robin Williams' suicide is of course on my mind, I spent part of today going back and watching his work. And after struggling with depression and addiction for years, I'm finally on a better path, and six months sober, thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous, dual diagnosis group therapy, medication, and the support of friends and family. It's a long story, and one that I'm planning to share on DK, but not tonight...
Someone close to me killed himself with a gun, a few years back. It was horrible to lose him, and it affected everyone around him. Although I do think that it's possible to rationally decide to kill oneself, I believe that his choice was a mistake, a bad night, a combination of circumstances that put him into that situation. I believe that had things gone slightly otherwise, he could have woken up the next day, and still be with us. The world was a bit better with him in it, and I still miss him.
So, in the hope that this might help others, here are some things that might help someone who's feeling suicidal get through it.
Wait it out. As bad as things are, as pointless as everything seems, wait it out. Things change. You might still be dealing with the same issues years from now, you may never find resolution for some issues, but things are not going to stay as hopeless as they feel now. You've been in bad places before, and seen things change. That will happen again.
You're your own worst enemy. But don't blame yourself. Most of the criticism that you're dealing with is self-generated. Pay attention to the narratives your mind is creating, but don't succumb to them. Just because your mind is stuck in a rut, doesn't make that perspective any realer than others. Changing a negative thought cycle is hard, and can take a long time. But it's possible.
Practice forgiveness. Practice forgiving yourself. You may not have achieved what you intended to. You may feel shame for who you are or what you've done. You may have disappointed yourself or others. Practice forgiveness. Find positive things you can build on. If you feel you have to atone for something, take the time to find other ways to do so.
Find remedies. I've been taking St John's Wort for years now, and it's really helped with depression (caveat - see this thread about SJW). It took a month or two to kick in, but now the "dark spirals", when I'd start slowly sinking into depression, don't have the same hold. Instead of being stuck in darkness for days/weeks/months, I reliably bounce out within a day or two, which I still find miraculous. I've added vitamin D, multivitamins, and Omega 3's to the mix, and they help. Not dramatically, but they have improved my general resilience.
If you're feeling dark, and it's winter, get a sun lamp. Especially if you have a pattern of being low in the winter. A sunlamp can dramatically improve your outlook and mood, and is well-worth the price at $100-$200.
If you don't trust yourself, trust others. Find people whose opinions and values you respect, and keep them in your life. If they show concern about your choices, take them seriously, hear them out. They might not fully understand what you're going through, but being able to get an outside perspective can be very grounding. If you're considering dramatic life changes, do some crowdsourcing.
Go chemical if you need to. I was resistant to medication for a long time, and in the end, it wasn't the right thing for me. Medication needs to be approached with caution (and a therapist you trust), but it can effect significant changes/improvements. There's not a magical pill out there, but if you're not getting by on your own, it's worth giving it a try.
Stay close to what you love. Even in long dark phases, there were some people, some activities that I still took some pleasure in. Nature was a big one for me - I realized that was a core importance. Search out those things, and keep doing them (as long as they're not causing serious harm). These are the things that will carry you through, even if they seem useless or meaningless at times.
Find a community. I started meditating with an eco-buddhist group during a long dark phase, and kept going, even when I had a hard time being around people. I had a hard time being around these people. But they helped me through, even though I didn't talk much about what I was going through.
Exercise. Yah, everyone says it. That's because it's true. Do a little when you can, regularly if possible. For most of humanity's existence, we've been physically active beings. These days it's possible to go days and weeks without breaking a sweat. It's like living without the sun. Return to your primal roots! There are no suicidal monkeys!
There is professional help out there. There are hotlines and counseling resources available. There are a lot of committed, qualified people out there who want to help you through this. If you're not up for doing the research, ask someone else to. Professionals are required to take action if they judge that you pose a serious threat to yourself or others. This is a good thing, if you do actually pose such a threat. The procedures in place may not be optimal, but they can be effective. If you're concerned about exposing yourself to consequences that you're not ready for, make the call on behalf of a "friend", so you can get a sense of what the options are.
Therapy is communication. Seeing a therapist doesn't mean that you're broken or crazy or damaged. You're consulting a professional for guidance. Having an experienced, committed ally who can work with you to evaluate where you're at, and how to make things better, is a massive asset (I speak from experience). It's like calling in tech support for your brain. As one therapist put it, "(I tell my patients), if I was the one struggling with similar problems, they would be able to help me due to their objectivity.".
What's the rush? If you have unequivocably decided that your life is pointless, what's the rush? Does it matter if you kill yourself now, 2 weeks or 20 years from now? Sure, maybe you'll suffer more, but what does that matter? It's all pointless anyway. It's not like you're going to miss out on an eternity of oblivion, if you kill yourself a few years from now. And even if nothing ever gets better for you, maybe in some slight way you can make life easier for one other person.
Set small goals. Getting up is a triumph. Breathing is victory. Going to bed is redemption. So what if you're not going to win the Nobel Prize, or your apartment's really messy? So what if it seems like everyone around you is moving forward, and you're stuck? Build slow, and build strong. Give yourself the time to find the paths that are right for you.
Get a pet. Take responsibility for another being. Speaking from experience, cats can be very low-maintenance. Dogs don't require much more. Go to the pound and free one being from it's cage. They will be grateful. And so will you.
You're not broken, or wrong, or a failure. You're an imperfect person, in an imperfect world. That's a hard thing to recognize, and a harder thing to accept. You have been shaped by forces beyond your control, and are dealing with circumstances that you weren't prepared for. That's ok. That's the human experience.
Give back. Even if you've given up on yourself, there are still things that you can do for others. You've had people in your life who stood up for you, who gave you guidance, who took care of you. Find ways to do the same for others, even if they're small things. Volunteer.
Think of others. If you're still locked into suicide, choose a way that won't hurt others. Think about who's going to find your corpse. Find a way to say goodbye to the people who you cared about, and those who care about you. If you have pets, make a plan for them.
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If someone close to you appears to be suicidal,
Listen. You probably can't "fix" what's wrong, but you can be there for them. You can hear their pain, and empathize. That means a lot.
Small gestures can mean a lot. A smile, a phone call, reaching out to someone who looks down, can change everything for someone who's feeling suicidal.
Identify available resources. They may not be ready to get help, but taking the time to find some hotlines, or support resources to share with them, could mean they have the information they need, when they need it.
Don't promise confidentiality. You may need to make a decision that they don't want you to make.
Don't be afraid to ask someone if they are considering suicide. That won't put it in a person's mind.
If someone tells you they are considering suicide, find out where he or she is in terms of a plan. If the person has a well-formed plan what you do may be different (talking supportively vs taking them to get checked into a hospital, for example).
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And some contacts for support:
Veterans Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK, Veterans Press 1
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization focused on crisis and suicide prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) youth.The Trevor Project is a non-profit endeavor established to promote acceptance for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth and to aid in crisis and suicide prevention among that group.The Trevor Project operates the only nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention lifeline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth. Each year, our lifeline fields more than 30,000 calls from LGBTQ youth as well as their families, friends and educators.
The Trevor Lifeline
(866) 4-U-TREVOR
(866) 488-7386
Open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year
All calls are toll-free and confidential
I could add to this list, and organize it better, but I'd like to hear from the rest of the DK community. What experiences have you had, and what advice do you have to share?