From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Things I Learned from Republicans in May:
The giant, pulsating Bin-O-Edumacation is already full to the brim with four days to go. To quote the great Colin Powell: "Every statement I make today is backed up by sources, solid sources. These are not assertions. What we're giving you are facts and conclusions based on solid intelligence." So…let's go!
Walmart is practicing sharia law. (Allen West)
If you're running for public office and you lose, it's okay to screw your campaign workers out of their pay until just before you announce your next campaign. (Carly Fiorina)
Fuck the Supreme Court. (Dr. Ben Carson)
Yeah, fuck the Supreme Court. (Gov. Mike Huckabee)
The replacement for Obamacare is obvious: the Apple Watch. (Gov. Jeb Bush)
It's possible that homosexuality caused that Amtrak train derailment in Philadelphia. (Sandy Rios of AFA)
The government is going to take away the Catholic church's right to free speech. (Sen. Marco Rubio)
Incest should be a capital crime for everyone unless it's a member of the Duggar family. (Jim Bob Duggar)
Women who need an abortion in Wisconsin shouldn’t complain about the state forcing them to get an ultrasound because ultrasounds are a really cool and lovely thing. (Gov. Scott Walker)
Same-sex marriage will turn America into a ghost town. (Focus on the Family)
President Obama has created an environment for the apocalypse to happen as defined by Christians and Muslims. (Chuck Norris)
The best thing to stock up on before the apocalypse happens is veggie burgers and macaroni & cheese. (Jim Bakker)
All that learnin' makes me hungry. Apocalypse burgers for everyone!
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Note: I've been informed that I need to apologize for mass-dialing everyone at 3 in the morning every day for the last six years and shouting, "Happy three in the morning!!!" Sorry. It was an accident.
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10 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til National Accordion Awareness Month:
5
Days 'til the
Celebration of Lupines in New Hampshire:
10
Record rainfall Monday at Houston Intercontinental Airport, almost doubling the previous milestone set in 1946:
4.34"
Estimated Americans in the Plains and South that were at risk from dangerous thunderstorms Tuesday:
32 million
(Source:
NBC News)
Percent chance that 25 hedge fund managers made more in 2014 than all 158,000 kindergarten teachers combined:
100%
(Source: CNBC)
Nations that require disclosure on labeling of genetically-modified or engineered foods:
64
(Source:
The Maine Sunday Telegram)
Number of the top ten highest-paid CEOs last year who are in the media business:
6
(Source: AP)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 179 (including 3 False Christs and several trumpet blasts in the sky from God). Soul Protection Factor 20 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Go get your dog, absolutely. Bring your dog home." (Gold star to Sen. Chuck Schumer.)
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CHEERS to the underdog with sharp teeth. Under blue skies and fluffy clouds, and backed by sailboats lazily tacking hither and yon across Lake Champlain, Bernie Sanders ambled grandfatherly to the lectern and, looking out over the sea of 5,000 (police estimate) optimistic faces whose number rivaled that of Howard Dean's Burlington announcement 12 years ago, proceeded to lay out a smart progressive agenda for this stupid-ass country of ours while tearing the banksters and billionaires a new one as he
announced his
candidacy for president:
"As a result of the disastrous Supreme Court decision on Citizens United, the American political system has been totally corrupted, and the foundations of American democracy are being undermined. What the Supreme Court essentially said was that it was not good enough for the billionaire class to own much of our economy. They could now own the U.S. government as well. And that is precisely what they are trying to do."
So, for the moment, that makes two Democrats in the race versus four Republicans. But Bernie and Hillary will tie one brain lobe behind their backs to make it a fair fight.
Nice reporting, Brendan Keefe.
CHEERS to local journalism done right. Great work by WXIA TV's "The Investigators" team in Atlanta for getting wind of a meeting by the American Legislative Exchange Council (aka ALEC) in Savannah, where corporations conspire with politicians behind closed doors to decide which laws will get rammed through the legislature. Everything about this coronation of the 1 percenters is anti-American, right down to the police bullying of a credentialed news team (that also happens to be registered guests at the hotel). You can and should
watch it here when you get six minutes to spare. As Ben Cohen of Ben & Jerry's said yesterday at the Bernie Sanders kickoff event: "The system isn't broken. It's fixed!" Your honor…exhibit A. As in ALEC.
CHEERS to less-itchy trigger fingers? Permanently-former Senator Scott Brown told Fox News (apparently the only organization that returns his calls anymore) that he thinks the police are becoming gun shy on account of all the unarmed (mostly black) people they keep shooting day after day. Drawing on our fine command of both the American criminal justice system and the English language, we say: Good!
JEERS to more time in the shadows. Bad news from the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals: two of the three judges on the case refused to lift the stay on President Obama's immigration executive order that would temporarily suspend deportation enforcement for some undocumented immigrants. And this may explain why:
[Judge Jerry] Smith and [Judge Jennifer] Elrod rejected the government's argument that it has the discretion to selectively defer legal action against immigrants. … Judge Stephen Higginson dissented, saying the administration had not abused its discretion. He also noted congressional inaction on immigration issues.
Smith and Walker were nominated to the court by Republican presidents, Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush; Higginson, by Obama.
Good luck courtin' that Hispanic vote, Republicans. Yeah. Good luck with that.
CHEERS to masking tape. It was invented on this date In 1930. It has a million and one uses, but to shut up a Republican blowhard only duct tape will do.
CHEERS to letters from the C&J mailbag. Sent today via Preemptive Pest Post:
"Ta daaa!! It's showtime!"
Dear Cicadas of eastern Nebraska,
Shut up.
Sincerely,
Eastern Nebraska
And the way they leave their little cicada Viagra bottles all over the yard is just
rude.
CHEERS to Frank Carandini. You know him better as Christopher Lee, and he turns 93 today. He's made a whopping 281 movies---most notably as Dracula, Bond villain with three nipples Scaramanga, and the evil wizard Saruman in the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit trilogies---and he's still workin' it. Some highlights:
And for another year I climb to the mountaintop with my bullhorn and yell, "Hey Oscar people! Stick a crowbar in your vault and give him one already!"
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 27, 2005
CHEERS to Helen Thomas. The ol' gal ripped into White House press manipulator Scott McClellan for saying this week that we were in Afghanistan and Iraq "by invitation":
Thomas: This week, you said that we, the United States, is in Afghanistan and Iraq by invitation. Would you like to correct that incredible distortion of American history in view of your credibility is already mired? How can you say that?
McClellan: Helen, I think everyone in this room knows that you're taking that comment out of context. There are two democratically-elected governments in Iraq and…
Thomas: Were we invited into Iraq?
So
that's why all the bunker busters we dropped had "RSVP" on 'em.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the inaugural edition of the second annual edition of, "Hey, look! It's Barney Frank feeding a deer!" La la la la la... Hey, look! It's Barney Frank feeding a deer!
This has been
the inaugural edition of the second annual edition of, "Hey, look! It's Barney Frank feeding a deer!"
Have a nice Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Taco Bell, Pizza Hut booting Bill in Portland Maine
---CBS News
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