This morning, when I went out to get the newspaper, I found a note. It was stuck to my SUV with a yellow "support the troops" magnet. This is what it said:
Read This Carefully.
We have your checking account. We also have your savings account, your home mortgage, your home equity loan, your car note, your 401(k), your money market funds, your pension fund, your home insurance, auto insurance, your life insurance, your frequent flyer miles, your passport, your future social security benefits, and pretty much all of your paychecks until you become eligible (if ever) to start receiving your social security benefits (all of which is referred to below as "your shit").
If you ever want to see any of your shit again (or actually, a very small portion of it) you will follow these instructions carefully, to the letter, and without any questions.
- Place $700 billion in small bills, unmarked, non-sequentially numbered, in a convoy of Hummers.
- Drive the Hummers to the nearest Exxon gas station and fill up. (We will allow you limited access to your gas credit card for this purpose and you may use the men's/ladies' room, but don't try and buy anything else, or we will liquidate your shit).
- Proceed to the United States Treasury, in Washington, D.C., where you will park directly in front of the statue of Alexander Hamilton. If there is a long line of Hummers in front of you, just wait your turn, you lemming.
- When you are at the front of the line, exit your vehicles, leaving the keys in and engines running. Proceed to the large bronze door on the front of the building, knock three times, turn, and leave.
- Do not wait for the door to open. Do not turn and look behind you. If you do, your shit is forfeit (and Sarah Palin will turn you into a pillar of salt, so you won't miss any of it).
- Return to your home. You will be allowed limited access to your debit/checking account for purposes of purchasing a greyhound ticket to your home. Also sufficient funds to purchase one copy of the Wall Street Journal for leisure reading material. But that's it. Try and buy anything else, and your shit is history.
- When you arrive home, await further instructions. You will be receiving a phone call, shortly, from your local McCain/Palin headquarters (GOTV Division) telling you where to proceed on November 4 and what to do. If you depart from those instructions in any way, you lose your shit.
- Finally, do not report this to anyone. Do not try and find us (which is actually quite easy, by the way). Do not try and oversight us, or file any legal actions in any court of law, anywhere. No letters to the editor or your representative/senator. If you disobey any of these instructions in any way, guess what? No shit for you.
signed: the Free Marketeers.
p.s. And take down that Obama sign.
What should I do?