I grew up as a conservative evangelical Christian, raised to believe that monogamous, heterosexual relationships were the only valid setting for human sexual expression. For me, that meant denying my own true attractions to other guys. Through all of high school, it was a secret I kept. In college, I admitted to struggling with "same sex attraction", the preferred term for those who wish to distance their identities from their innate sexuality. A year after college ended, I finally couldn't contain it any longer, and I started to come out. My process was a messy one, and it involved a fair share of internet hookups and other sneaking around. Thankfully, I also reexamined my beliefs during this time, and over the years I was able to fully accept myself, including my sexuality, and find affirming relationships and community.
When I saw Rev. Makela's Grindr profile explode all over the news, I immediately felt several pangs of emotion. I felt sympathy for his family, for the hurt and doubt that his wife and children must feel. Because of my history, I have known men like me who married women and had children, and though I disagree with their choices, I would never wish this sort of public upheaval on their families. I felt regret for the homophobic and anti-equality messages that I myself used to spread, and I felt compassion toward Makela for his statements, because I know first hand the way denialism toward oneself fuels criticism of others. I also felt empathy for Makela himself, because I have tasted that double life of trying to push away a part of myself and then periodically indulging, and I grasp how soul shredding it can be. Had I chosen to study theology instead of science, had I taken up leadership in a church like the one I grew up in, it could have been my name making all those headlines.
I believe that compassion is the appropriate response for men like Makela. True, his anti-gay rhetoric has harmed others, and that should be condemned. He and his family are also suffering, though, and so it irks me to see and read some people on the moral left react with mocking and schadenfreude. Not all of the responses have been appropriate.
Still, it is important to take note and spread the word about cases like his. The idea that human sexuality does not include homosexuality is empirically false. Choosing to live in denial of one's true sexual identity leads to bad outcomes. Makela's story is one link in a long chain of evidence that supports this. His example demonstrates how the conservative Christian belief that homosexuality does not exist and can be wished away runs counter to reality, and as a result causes immense suffering.
Many of those who grew up in that setting will hold fast to their beliefs despite all the evidence. However, there are others that are less vocal and may be less decided. We repeat these stories for their sake, so that they can be aware of the evidence. Let's not push them away by jeering at others' hypocrisy and indulging in negativity. Especially for the sake of young people who still have the chance to make better choices in their own lives, we should try to keep the message open and inviting. Let's tell stories like this to say, "There's a better way to live. You can live with integrity, embracing the diversity of human sexuality and the reality of who you are."